I said that this post was going to be about what a real woman is. I apologize, because that is not what this post is about. Rather, this post is about learning from waiting.
I just found out today that two people I know who graduated from high school last year are engaged. This is the sixth or seventh engagement I have heard about in the past year. While I am happy for them, I find myself growing more and more discontent with where God has me in life.
Up until my junior year, I had very feminist leanings. Anybody who knows me now will laugh at this, but I was determined to have a successful career and be the best in my chosen field. While I did want to get married, the plan was to have one or two kids and put them in private or public school. I was going to go to Yale, Georgetown, Columbia, Brown...some very prestigious college for undergrad, go to Harvard Law School, be a successful lawyer, get married after a couple years at the job, continue in my career, become a judge, and eventually work my way up to the US Supreme Court. Don't laugh. That was my plan.
Plan B was to go to medical school.
But my junior year, God changed my heart. Through a variety of different circumstances, God completely changed my outlook on life and my desire for the rest of my life. While I started out junior year wanting a successful career as a lawyer and judge, I finished the year wanting...to get married young, support my husband in whatever ministry God called him too, and have a large family. Large as in ten plus children. (Now you may laugh.)
Simply put, God stripped away my plan and showed me HIS plan. And by the end of the year, I tell you I was not the same person. I had completely given up my plan and was ready to follow God's with reckless abandon.
So now here I am, at the end of my senior year. And while I hear of many engagements, I have yet to even have someone in my life that I could label a "special someone" in any way, shape or form. I assumed that I would at least be beginning a relationship at this point in life...and instead, everything seems to be coming together as if my previous plan was in place. I've been accepted to a prestigious college, possibly even going into the honors program, and pursuing a program that could easily set me up for medical school.
I guess I assumed that if God was going to put the desire for marriage and family in my heart, than He was going to fulfill it not too long after putting that desire there. I assumed that I would marry young. NEVER ASSUME! Had you asked me anytime during this past year if I believed that God planned for me to marry young, my answer definitely wouldn't have been "I don't know, but I hope so..." Now I see that God is revealing to me that I did assume He would bring Mr. Right around this point in time. Why did I assume that? Perhaps if I didn't expect anything from God, maybe I wouldn't be so disappointed every time I hear of another engagement.
And as I think over the fact that I am disappointed, I have to ask myself-why? My God is an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-loving, all-caring God, who knows me even better than I know myself and knows beyond a shadow of a doubt what's best for me. Why can't I learn to trust Him? Why can't I learn to let God be my fulfillment, and not be anxiously awaiting God to bring Mr. Right into my life?
When will God bring Mr. Right into my life? I'm not sure of the exact moment in time, but I do know this: Not until I learn to be content with where God has me right now.
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8 comments:
Wow...so exactly what I've been going through. *My* greatest dream the past few years has been to marry young, have a large family [people laugh at me...but yes, 10+ kids would be awesome!], and support my husband in his minstry, too. I'd love to marry someone who's a pastor...missionary...Awana missionary...or somehow involved in ministry. When I was, oh, jr. high-age or so, I decided that I wouldn't even think about a relationship before I was 17, because there's no sense in getting into a relationship when you're not ready to marry, right? I figured 17 was plenty old enough to start a relationship...maybe I could be married by the time I was 19.
Well, 17 came (and has almost gone)...and I'm facing the same thing. I have some good "brother" guy friends in my life, but that's it. I've been accepted to a good university, and will be starting there this fall. I've committed to four years of schooling...so now *my* plan has changed to where *I'd* have myself getting married, oh, say, senior year or straight out of college. And it is SO HARD to not just let that become my expectation...to the point where if that doesn't happen, I'll seriously doubt God's plan.
I'm going into missions/ministry [children's ministry sort of thing, no, I'm NOT going to be a pastor of any sort lol]. I've realized that this totally screws up *my* plan for my life. I could spend years serving God overseas in the freedom of my singleness, before He allows me to marry. Or perhaps I would serve Him my whole life, single. Free to serve Him without having to worry about a husband...about my children. Every missionary story I read about women who never married, or about those who gave their life for the gospel...they make me want to serve God like that, but I want *my* will, also.
I get the exact same feeling every time I hear about an engagement, every time I even hear about a new relationship. And it is HARD learning to be content. And I know that God can't bring me a new anything until I've learned to be content in the old (btw...I have a pretty neat story related to that if you want to hear...). But we are called to do hard things...not easy things.
So, I'm right at the same spot as you...and are commenting on everyone's blogs at midnight lol. So sorry if it's jumbled. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone :-)
><>Marissa
Oh...one more thing. I don't think that not expecting anything from God is the right way to go about it. Idk...I have yet to find a verse to back it up...but it doesn't sound right.
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Marissa I love you so much! :)
Well I guess by "not expecting" I'm referring to anything God doesn't promise in His word. I can expect that His plan is best, for example, because He promised me that in His Word, but I shouldn't expect that I'll be in a relationship sometime soon, because He didn't promise that.
Yeah, I feel as if *my* new plan has been totally screwed up, because I have committed to four years of schooling. Yet somehow, even though I've made that commitment, I still hold out hopes that I will be married within the next 2-3 years...I don't know why!
Just one thing I want to ask: a lot of people how told me that since I want to have 10+ kids I better marry a rich doctor or lawyer, but something in my gut (I don't want to say "God said so" because He hasn't yet...) says that I'm supposed to get married to a pastor or AWANA missionary, or someone else in full-time ministry...someone who will most likely not make a lot of money and we'll constantly be on a tight budget. People think I'm crazy for that...have people ever thought you were crazy for wanting to marry someone in full-time ministry and yet have a large family?
Aw, I love you too Shaney!!
Yes...exactly!! That's it :-) I'm caught somewhere between having those hopes, and not wanting to be terribly disappointed if it doesn't happen. Yet at the same time, I don't want to write off all relationships if God should bring me into one. The thought that I could be married, or even in a relationship, in two or three years...wow I'm not sure when I grew up! ;-) Ack...I don't know. I think this is where trusting God starts though...me really not knowing anything, so trusting Him for everything! Harder to do than say, for sure though. I tend to like to see where I'm going before I start going there.
Hm. To be honest, very few people know that I want to marry someone in some sort of ministry. Not even my parents. Something in my gut says that, but I can't say "God says". So...I don't really mention it then, because I don't want to be stepping ahead of God, or say one thing and then He has me marry someone else, or have well-meaning friends pair me up with guys in ministry, or anything like that. Lol, especially going to a Christian college...I really don't want that to start happening. So, I can't really say. If it helps though, our best friends are a family with 8 kids. They're not in ministry, but the dad is self-employed, so it's the same sort of situation financially. Yes, finances aren't abundant, but God has blessed them so much! It's neat to be able to actually see that, instead of just knowing, you know? How about you?
[I'm sorry if I've gone in circles...I'm a little short on sleep]
Okay, yeah I'm in the same boat, *my* dream is to get married to someone in full-time ministry, and I don't mind telling people that, but as I told one of my friends, being a doctor could be a full-time ministry! And yet it's still a very good paying job...so yeah, I don't want to jump ahead of God but as He reveals more and more of His will to me that's what I see...I told Taylor Lassiter (our AWANA missionary) on the bus back from Summit that I can just see myself staying up until 4 in the morning trying to make the budget balance out, only to find God working some miracle with our finances the next day! lol But I've heard of many families with tight financial situations that God always provides for, so I know that no matter who God has me marry or what financial situation He puts us in, He will always provide!
But yeah, I've just had a couple people tell me that if I'm planning on a large family I better plan on marrying a rich guy, and then they think I'm crazy that I don't really think that's necessary. But I want to marry for the man, not the money. And the kind of man *I* would like to marry would be in full time ministry...but you're right, it's not good to jump ahead of God. If it's God's will, then I will praise Him. But if God has a different plan, then I will praise Him still!
Ah yes, I think I recall discussing your Supreme Court plans in a van somewhere in Chicago on the way to the airport.
Yeah, Paul. I remember you talking to Shaney about what her maternal job should look like. At the time I thought you were both crazy. Shaney was too far one direction (leave da man all by hisself) and Paul was too far the other way (you women folk are grounded!). lol... Maybe I'm exagerating a bit. What can I say? What goes around comes around.
Yeah, I personally am annoyed sometimes thinking about when I think parenthood should start and then I remember how long I should stay in college... arg... the SAT isn't helping to give me any modivation either. :-)
Thanks for the post.
> < > Brian
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